Holding tight

He text me today. Bin 4 days since I have deleted him 100% outta my online life, band pages included. Was just torturing my self lookin at his pages n flirtin with another girl. Looked like a mass txt he sent out. Informing me of his show this saturday, where it was at, how much, n when he went on. I didn't respond. I'm proud of my self, I guess. I badly wanted to talk to him, respond back. But he's ignored me this long, I'm sure the text was just that, a mass text. Why send it to me idk? Maybe cause I've brought a lot of ppl to his shows before? That has to be why. Idk. Deleted it, he is onvisouly not concered with the fact I said nothing back. So ill leave it at that. Goodnight
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There are songs u want to dance 2 songs u wanna sing along to n songs that make you feel so much it brings u back to the first time u heard it n it broke your

Moving on

So I addde him back to fb a little while ago, idk mostly cause I wanted to still part of his life, wanted to know what he's up to, if he was gettin with other girls or had another interst. Well my worst fears have bin confirmed. Idk what I was expecting... Idk why I torture mtwelf like that ... I tried talkin to him online, but he doesn't respond, he does to her tho, even writes comments like she has nothin on you refering to her hottness... I'm just... Done. He doesn't want Me, can't remember the good, great times we had with each other. Only remembers the bad. I can't keep torturing my self. For what? For him to ignore me, move on with his life, find someone else :( hurts so bad! But ill just have to hurt for a while, but without him in my life. I can't chase after something, even tho I want it more than anything. I deleted him completly out of my life, no number, not written down some where, no fb n no Myspace, including his bands pages. This is hard but... I can't do it
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Work... I'm honestly thinkin about quiting fuck this shit ugh

Ok, I'm so sick of this every weekend night I have to work my boss let's the other bar tender off early to sit n drink n makes me stay till close n do all the

My back hurts, I've worked my ass off these past couple of days and more to come. I'd love to have a, " that special one" to come home to, to relax

N I have loss.

Listened. I have run away, n I have never stopped trying. I have bin hated, n I have hated. I have felt pain, n I have over come pain. I have wanted, n I have

I have loved, n I have lost. I have cried, n I have laughed. I have broken down, n I have succeed. I have bin hurt, n I have hurt. I have talked, n I have

Idk, I think my worst fear has come true. I think he has another girl in mind. :((. N I still would rather be alone. Sad sad sad :(

?

Wishes if she knew if she was the annoying ex who he humors or he is happy to hear from me.
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Where is the passion when you need it the most.

I just want to feel that over whemling feeling again. Where I don't want to stop kissing. But I pull away cause it takes my breath away, only to look into your eyes and be drawn back in. I see it on TV n movies (lame I guess) but I finally understand it. I was encountered the other night with a compromising situation. A good friends bday party. I knew he said he was going to be there. Which to me was a big surprise. Yes, he was friends with him threw me, but he'd bin so shut off lately why show up there of all places. Don't get me wrong because this is what I wanted. So much, yet so little time had passed yet so much had changed in my life. I was doing good! I actually was good in life accepting things with my past that maybe I ignored for many many years, and concentrating on what I wanted. I was determined for him to see me as me. No the girl with a 100 problems that was too much for him. I showed up a couple hours late, as expected. No him. My bf mentioned a couple times, "do you really think he would show up" in the back of my mind yes I really did. He said he was. Time passed. My first "love" was there who I had not seen in a very long while. We were young and very stupid. He put me threw a lot of physical and mental abuse and in result it has affected the person I am today. But we are friends. I would say that on a light note, not on his part but mine. He truly is sorry for how he treated me back then. We were just kids I give him that. But what I thought was love, was not. And he wishes he could pursue me now. Treat me right, know me for me, but I have, for the best of me, has moved on a long time ago. But none the less I was happy to see him. I still feel the urge to no from someone that I use to love that I still draw him in. Despite the many passes and comments we discussed I blantly admited to him that my heart wa else where. Always chasin the one that got away. When he walked in I saw him right away. It was later than I expected and had given up hope of him coming. But I saw him that moment. I didn't no what to do. Do I appeach him right off and prove how much I'm drawn to him. No. MY bf said right away she recognized him. Just kinda looked at him. I turned he waved n smiled n then was approched by the nday boy so I let it go. They went inside n I was surrounded by a group of guy friends so I carried on. He only knew the bday boy n his roomie so they came back out n started to mingel and he was left alone n I couldn't let him stand there alone so I left a convo to offically say hello. It was a hug a smile and small talk. Can't finish now. Another time. Bye.
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Forgetting

You have to do what your heart needs you to do, not what it wants you to do. Sometimes ppl change, and your left unchanged, but broken.
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Working away

So I'm sittin at the bar ober bored. Its so dead tonight I haven't made much for tips but at least I'm gettin paid a decent hourly wage. The boss is outta town, which doesn't really matter any way cause he's way laid back. I've got one gentleman in here at the moment n that's about it . I trained at my other job today, 8 to 4 it was such a long day and just standing there taking in all the training. I got it all down it was just draging on and on. Then I came here at 6 and will be here till 2 am then need to be at the other job tomorrow bright n early 8 am till 4 again. One more day of endless training but she did say there was hope of gettin on the floor which I sure hope so and hope I do well! I added up all my hours that I am working this week alone, including saturday off for a wedding, and I'm working 70.5 hours just this week!! I can't WAIT for this pay check. With another week on top of that it will be amazing! At least I get to watch my cubies while gettin paid, ha and I'm totaly suckin down the rockstar I'll be bouncin off the walls soon enough. They have it on fountain how awesome is that! The cubies are actually winning!! This game looks good for them! Wow! Go cubs, go! Other than work... Just tryin to get by and think of how all this work is going to pay off! I can't wait to have the choice of possibly leaving here... Break away from all my bad ties and keep livin free! Oh by the way... I have a new baby cousin, Amaya ! I'm Soo happy I love my aunt Soo much , she has bin there for me since the day I was born. She has always bin like my big sister, considering how close in age we are and she means the world to me! I can't wait to meet my new cousin!
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Nothing I can do

So he has a chance to move to cali. I told him straight up, who wouldn't jump on that chance. I would. I would move there in a heart beat. Now if he told me he cared n didn't want me to go. I wouldn't. But that's the difference between men n women. Idk what will happen. But I wish him the best for him. I just wish I could be the best. Idk idk idk
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Bored.... Don't have to work again till Saturday... Wish I could take a Va ca

My main focus is work. Work work work. Get bills paid off, save money, n then disappear! I'm gone its gonna happen!

My new bar tending job went very well! It really is just like riding a bike! I jumped right back into the flow of things! Was nice to make tips again!

Just a Saturday night

Saturday night, just another day in the week to me. Normally I would have to work in the morning but since I decided to quit my job n don't start my other one full time till Tue. I guess I could have gone out and done the 'expected' thing of someone my age, get all pretty, get a buzz, go out to the bar, drink, smile, laugh, pretend that I have no cares in the world besides my next drink and who could be buying it, check out the 'hotties' and possible 'potential' . But it just seems too overrated to me at the moment. So I choose to do the responsible thing. I have ten dollars in my checking account, sure I could go out spend it within a half an hour, and then when the week comes beg my mom or dad to send or give me some money. But I decided if I wanna drink, have a few beers at home. Really I don't care cmuch for dancing so I'm not loseing out there. The friends I would have gone out with either know everyone at the bar they go to nightly n I would have bin left standing there by my self, not really caring to meet anyone new. Or I could have gone out with a diff. Group of friends who wanna get drunk, dance, n show there good looks off and find a hook up for the night. Idk. I know I should be out havin fun, lettin my worries go, but it just seems like a life I led for far too long before, only to know, that you can't drink things away, that most people you meet at the bar are only lookin for a good time. How when I have found someone that I can not have to be all those fake things with, wanna go out there and try to find that again. I don't know if ill ever find someone who I can connect so well with again. I have to have faith, but a bar is not going to be wher I'm going to find what I'm looking for. Even tho I still hold on to the fact that hopefully him n I had something that will , somEday come back together again. Maybe once I get my head on straight. I put my all into someone that I like and care about and it seems to always ruin it. I know I come on top strong. I know I prob. Scare the shit outta people. But I believe that once they realize that I was always my self, told them the truth no matter what, never pretended to be someone I wasn't. That they will see. Now that sounds a little crazy n I don't mean it in a physco way. Not at all. If someone tells me straight up they want nothing to dp with me, or something like that, I'm not stupid I get the point. The thing I'm seeing now is, I have truly cared about 3 men in my life. The first one started off as a silly high school flame. I was insecure, had a lot of family issues and just wanted someone to love me. He showed me affection often which led to us being together. Not together relationship wise, you know what I mean. I always mad excuesses for it. Why we weent dating, always trying, and succeding in making my self believe my stupid explanations. We lasted, our botty calls, abuse, physical, and emotional, for about 5 years. Its safe to say all of my high school life was bassed on him. Every enemy I had, every time I cried , got drunk, rerational, crazy, was cause I just wanted him to want to be with me for something other than sex. Every even remote gestur of kindness I would take for he cares about me. Idk what finally tore is apart but thank god it did. Last 4th of July I came into contact with him again. We talked, we became friends. Talking just occasionally. At one point in time we confronted the way he had treated me. Why he did. He didn't know but he apologized over and over again. Tellin me he was wrong to do that. We confronted a lot of issues. We established a relationship of friend ship and I had closure. That 4th of July he wanted me to come up and see him for the weekend. He wanted to actually take me out on a date and spend some time with me. When he finally allowed himself to see me for who I was he liked me and wanted to pursue me. That was not something I was able to dp because by that point in time I had learned to see he was not someone I was actually intersted in, instead I was just looking for love I was not finding at home. I dated off n on other men but when I met the 2nd man that I can say I truly card about he swept me off my feet. I knew not much about him, but he seemed so amazing. We hit it off so to say. The first night he kissed me will go down in the books as one of the sweetest moments I shared with him. We started spending a lot of time together right away. Watching movies, goin out with friends etc. He had moved back home due to some problems and was struggling to find out where his life was going. At the time I was blind to this. I thought that we were just two people who found each other and made each other happy. As time went on alcohol and partys became more of our time out than personal time alone. He started drinking heavly and I, who had bin a hard drinker before hand, was right there next to him. Not drinking as much but allowing him to drink away thinking were young, he's with me, he cares about me, this is how its posta be. Well the drinking became a problem for him. To the point where his mom kicked him out, he got his own place. Partys every night with all his friends who drank too much. But I thought, hey, were young, were havin fun, I'm the one he's with. But then the girlfriend in me kicked in. I started wanting some me and him Time. Maybe a dinner out, a movie. But drinking always was first with the friends. My un happiness and my unhappiness with him not careing that I was feeling that way pushed him away. Soon he was 'out with the boys' for the night. Don't worry. Although your out with a bunch of alcoholics who's only concern was finding a girl to fuck for the night. But still, my heart held true and I held on. Despite my friends advice, and that voice I tried to ignore from within. There came a point where I was worried about his cheeting. I didn't no what to think. I had experienced times where he was so drunk he couldn't even recognize who I was. But was willing to do anything physical with me. There are many times that I could recall where it was so obvious that he was cheeting but I don't need to pull up those old painful memories. Still despite everyting things got to a point where I thougth things were about to change. He got a full time job in the town I lived in. Which ment him having to get up at 6 am and be to work at 7. We started to spend nights thogether at my place and he would stay over so he could sleep a little longer. I remember on eater Sunday was when he really made his spot at my place perment. He had allowed one of his friends to stay at his place till he got on his feet and he confessed to me how he wanted to do good with this job n stop his partying ways and his new roomate was unemployed and always partyin. On that easter it was kinda silly but I really wanted eggs. He always cooked me eggs in the morning when we first started dating. He said he would cook me some but I had to go to his place and get them. He lived in the next town which was only abou a 5 min drive so I ageede. Then he mentioned how I should grab his dirty laundry so he could do it for work the next day. I asked him where it was. He said everything in the corner of his room. Well I get to his place only to realize that ALL his clothes were in the corner of his room. So I brought all of it. That was when he tec. Moved in. I gave him his own key cause he usually got off work before I did. We did good for a couple months. We really, settled down, in our partying ways. Our friends would say we were like an. Old couple, but it wasn't like that. He would get up for work early in the morning, shower, hop back into bed and kiss n cuddle for a bit. He would go off to work. I,D go to work a couple hours later. He couldn't adord a cell at the time so he would get home and email me at work from the Apt. We'd chat. I'd get home. We'd order some dinner and watch a movie or TV and then head to bed. Sometimes we would read, or talk. It was nice. His friends would call my cell asking if they could talk to my husband, not funny, but it was nice to know that they knew we were together. Sometimes I would hear them say oh, were going to his Apt. Refering to mine. But meaning his. He never paid bills, rent, had free net, I let him have people over when he wanted to etc. Eventually things got dull. He fell into his old ways. He would sit on my computer for hours n I noticded he was talkin to a lot of girls. He also stopped refering to me as his girlfriend, he was single, just didn't wanna be in a relationship at that Time. I figured well he's living with me, he can't be doing too much. I actually sat behind hiM one night while he was on the comp talking to another girl flirting with her. I locked my self in the batherom and wouldn't come out. Little or a lot to say, we ended. Like I only knew how to do I tried to hang on by still having sex with him. Even when I knew he was messing with other girls and trying to start a relationship with one, I knew his weakness was when he was drunk so I took advantage of it. I just wanted to feel like he still card about me. It got to a point where even his friends made a point to say, I just wish he would leave your alone. He's fucked with your life to much. Well I eventually ended up moving about 30 mIn away n he moved away to follow another girl. Recently we have become friends again. He has done a 180 in his life. Doesn't drink and found out what he wants in life. He offered for me to come up there and stay with him for a weekend . To take me out, spend some time with me. I didn't do it because I had already meet **** and even tho we were broken up at the time and my roomate thought I should do it. I jait couldn't bail out on my heart n who I care about ****. Me and the 2nd man keep a very close friendship. If he was the way he is now back when I knew him we would be together now. He saw me for who I am now. He couldn't understand how he let me go. Said that if he had another chance now that his life is strainted out.... Yadda yadda. Idk. I just think I come on too strong, I'm real. I don't sugar coat too much and I don't care if you don't Like me, I'm me. And that's what they see now, that I cared about them, that no matter what I would have bin by there side, that when my heart cares about someone it doesn't stop. Maybe it changes , such as from romantic to friendship. But with **** I just hope we can work things out cause ... He's the first person that has liked me for me. Where it wasn't all about sex.
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Had my job orientation today! It went really good! I'm actually looking forward to working there!

When I'm with friends, or busy I'm good as gold got my head on straight. But when I let myself think of hiM my body feels such a sense of loss, it hurts.

I think I should live in a state where the sun doesn't come out a lot that way I could get decent amount of sleep

Suicide

Ya, I've cut my self a couple times, just to see how it feels, to see if the hurt could put weigh the pain. I take sleeping pills after drinking, even tho the doctor says its dangerous. I can't sleep with out them. I take risk. I'm not greatful of the gift of life. I live each night, to sleep soundly and not be lost in my thoughts, thoughts of being alone, faluire in my life, never going anywhere... Etc... Don't take me wrong, I can sit outside n fall in love with the air, trees, sun, people happy around me, but I always have a small pain of loneliness. I wanna feel it, not observe it. Sometimes I feel so close to it, others, I feel like I'm doomed for life. People say change it, I say its way easier than said. I wish I could run away, start over with the knowledge I have now. People n family say I can't do that. But who are they? What have they given me in my past to make me want to stay for them. Its about me, and only me. That's how its always bin.
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I believe that if I ever die unexpectedly it will be because of a mixture of alcohol n sleeping meds. I drink too much n can't sleep with out them.

Lost souls

To top everything off for tonight, I just found out a boy I graduated with, who's older brothe I was very close friends with, who's family lived next door to my grandma for years, just commuted suicide. That's about the 10th one from my small hometown in the past 5 years. Honestly at this point it may be mOre. Idk what to even say anymore to the situation. After one of my best guy friends, someone who was like my brother did it in 03 i've never bin able to understand. Yet I have also bin there. And know how it feels to be that down. But I don't think I could do that to the few people that do actually care about me. Idk I just don't know. May he r.I.p. God bless his soul and take him to heaven where his worries and pain are no longer a burden. Amen.
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Goodbyes.

So the other night when he told me to loose his number I told him to give me my stuff back and I would be done. I didn't think he would actually make a point to bring my stuff back. Well I did delete his number cause I just didn't want to bother him anymore or be treated like that anymore. He just never could make time for me and I was making a fool out of my self my week after week trying again and again. So I was filling out a job application this afternoon, my day was going fine when in the middle of it my phone vibrated and it was his area code . I half recognized the number but couldn't answer it then since I was being watched by the people I was filling out the app for but when I saw the number left a voice mail my I got so nervous, my face got hot, my hands started to shake. Sure enough when I got out to the car I checked the voice mail, it was him, tellin me he was in town, he brought my stuff n if I wasn't busy he could get it to me. How sad. So I called him back with the bad butterflys in my stomach. I had bin planning on going to the park to read for a bit since it was such a beautiful day out and that ended up being the place I told him to meet me at. He got there before me and asked where I was, he was being nice... Told him I'd be about anothe 5 min he said that was cool. I can't explain how nervous I was. I was so scared, not only because I hadn't seen him in forever but because , this possibly was good bye for us. For good. :((((. I pulled up to the park walked over to his car, he wasn't in it I turned around, n of course saw him, the man that with just one look makes my knees go weak my stomach do somethin crazy n my eyes light up, standin down at the pond in the sun light throwin food out to the ducks. He was wearin a hat, cargo shorts with his green flip flops that I've tried wearing before but were silly big on me. He must have seen me coming, but idk how cause he didn't look at me but when I was a few feet away he turned outta no where and threw a piece of corn at me like he knew I was comin. We chated a bit. Talked about what was new, he's leavin for cali on thur to visit his sister. He gave me a couple quarters to get bird food, we just stood there playin with the birds, talkin , it was nice. He kept gettin more food, and givin me quarters till he had no more. I tried to save mine as long as I could, I'd like to believe that we were both putting off the goodbye for as long as possible. But after about 30 min, he was out of quarters n I was out of words. So we walked to his car, l got my stuff out. Commeted on his new car stickers. We talked a little more. Just un important convo. Then he said he'd let me get goin. I just wanted to tell him, don't go. Stay with me. He use to tell me the first thing he noticed about me was that I had amazing eyes. During all this day he would say something, I'd smile, it was a true smile, something I haven't done in a while, and he'd catch my eye, and he wouldn't let it go. I know he had to have seen it there by his car when he held my stare, that I didn't wanna do this. That he still was in my heart. He pulled me in for a hug, I never wanted to let him go. I missed so much his arms around me, his smell. God it was so hard to pull away. He walked to his car I told him to have a good time in cali n I couldn't look him in the eyes cause I knew it was goodbye n I couldn't look into those beautiful eyes I think my heart would have shattered right there. I couldn't look at him as he drove past n out of the parking lot. But when he turned onto the road, I had to have one last glimpse. He was staring at me, honked his horn n waved as he was driving away. The tears that I held back for hours are now pouring out. My best friend Joe told me, its ok to cry. N that's what I plan on doing. Maybe I can cry all the pain out. I never wanted to say goodbye to him. Never wanted him out of my life. I just wanted to no he cared, that I ment something to him, to hear his voice call me baby, pup, beautiful. Its all over. :((( I walked to a park bench n I was trembling so badly, the tears I couldn't hold back. They weent thick, just soft, and sad. I hoped I would see him pulling back into the park, walking toward me. Sit with me. Tell me it would be ok. But, that would be a fairytale, which is far from my life. He never came back. Goodbye is the hardest thing I have ever not had to say. I'm so sad and hurting. I just need time I guess, or a miracle to make things right n him to come back again. Moving on now, despite what my heart mind n body don't want me to. I'm so drawn to him. But. Its gone. Done. :((( the end.
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I can hear the neighbor guy singing up stairs, ******* use to sing to me. It made my heart melt n my knees go weak. :(

To the end

So, I finally pushed him to the end. Made him say to me , lose my number. I could have just left it at what it was, him admiting that he's got issues and just needs to be alone. Really I no he's serious when he says its nothing personal. But I can't help but wonder if he's just fuckin with me. Like most guys. He is. I called him the other night cause I no he's bin sittin In his house doing nothing, being sad n hurt. So I offered to take him out to a movie during the day, he declined. Said he just want up to gettin outta the house. But then when I called later that night to tell him I was comin over to cheer him up n wouldn't take no for an answer ( not in a physco way, more or less in a , hey, your depressed... You need some happiness I'm comin over to make you smile) only to find out that oh he's out at the bar a buddy came over and got him out of the house. I was pretty hurt by that. How long can I let someone push me away untill I'm too far away to find the way back. That's where I feel I am now. And what that means is I have to leave him. Take him out of my thoughts n worries. He doesn't appeciate what he had. I just kept tryin n tryin to make him realize what he had but he just didn't care. So some things were siad . Maybe things I should have said right from the start. And its done. Over. Gone. N I'm trying to my hardest to not think of him or worry about him. I just need to concentrate on myself n my goals for my future. God grant me serenity to accept the things I can not change.
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I had a really good day. Had three great interviews! But now that I'm home. The fact of being alone and he still doesn't miss me hurts. A lot. I miss his voice

Rainy day

So were not posta have cats at our Apt without putting down a deposit but I figured one cat they will never know plus who can afford a 300 dollar deposit for one cat n you only get half back. Well we got away with it for about 9 months but today they called and said the owner saw her in the window n knew we were not to have pets . I think what really happened was the neighbors called it in cause she has bin meowing all night . I haven't gotten her fixed yet so she's in heat... Drivin me nuts!! Its sooo annoying! But now I gotta figure out some where to take her. I wish the person I got her from would take her back cause I'd hate to leave her with a stranger.

On another note.. Idk if I mentioned but I've bin pretty heart broken the past couple of weeks... Its a shity thing to have to go threw. I wish I knew the way to make it not hurt. And to stop missing him. i get so upset when I think about the fact that he doesn't miss me at all. I think about him daily n have to stop myself from calling or texting him. I know bothering him isn't going to help anything. Idk. No one ever said it was easy. I hope that once he gets his problems figured out he will look back and think of me. And maybe, just maybe, we could start fresh with how things were in the begining and just enjoy each other. But then I get scared that what if that doesn't happen and I have lost someone who made me happy and who was an amazing person but just got a little lost. If only he would stop pushing people away that care about him and give me a chance. But I just don't see it happening :( sadness.
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Ugh.. I should be doing laundry, cleaning, n filling out apps today..but its rainy n I just don't wanna move from my bed. I've bin so blah lately. Idk